Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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