That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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