My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
