WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
