dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
sarcasm needs its own font
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
