Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize