never play flip cup with pint glasses
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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