I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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