All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
