dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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