I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
