Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Acid is not a monday night drug
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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