People in love make me want to vomit
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
