I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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