I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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