i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
