Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
