it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
