I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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