Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
