Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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