I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
