Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
