Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
