Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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