Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i need some magic done to my vagina
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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