When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
