My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize