I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
