everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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