The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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