dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
