Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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