Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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