I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
