omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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