I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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