just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
