he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
