they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
