Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
