After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
