I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
