I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
