my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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