the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
