sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
