so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
