I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
