Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
