She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
