that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
