Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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