I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
