Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
