My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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