What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
