Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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