Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
