Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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