He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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