Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
