Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
