New invention idea: vibrating tampons
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
