when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Someone signed my nipple.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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